The Search.

I look within to find myself,

The more I look… the hidden I am.

The more I find, the disturbed I am.

The more I judge… the unhappier I am.

Yet, if I didn't bother, and just accepted…

Just accepted what I was, what I am and what I could be…

It wouldn't be hard at all.

That ignorance itself would be bliss.

The comfort would be in uncertainty and the unknown.

But I’m on this journey, and this journey is for me.

I set out on it to meet myself.

If I don’t take the effort, I will never know who I am.

I will never be able to look myself in the mirror and know who this person is.

My reflection would never be accurate.

With the end of this search, I’m sure to not be lost again.

I’m sure to continue with a life of calm and patience

For, it’s no more a journey to a destination, but a destination  in form of a journey.

 Watch the crowd and you see a million masks, walk with the crowd... and you are one of them. Each person has a mask, a cover up for what they want to hide - be it ill-intentions, pain or love. Each individual is a door to a new world. A world which you have no idea about, no what-so-ever clue. A story which has a plot, and they are the main protagonist... even though they may be an antagonist for another person. 

Everything this person does is in self-interest, no body is against anyone else - they are just for themselves. I had read something along those lines somewhere. It made complete sense, however, only when I observe, reflect and introspect. When I am part of the crowd, I too work for my own self-interest... unconsciously. I may hurt another person, but unconsciously. I may make someone's day, but unconsciously. I never realize it, until I introspect. I wonder how many people go about living their lives unconscious of what role they play in another person's life. I wonder how many even realize how much of a difference they make, be it good or bad. I wonder if anyone would even think about how much they mean to another person. And yet, they will never know for sure... because words will eventually fall short to portray the emotions. 

I'm sure many of us do things for others intentionally and consciously, be it good or bad. And sometimes, we don't know why we do them. We may justify our acts, but to what extent can it be true? To what extent do you know yourself? 

You have a story, it may be painful. But have you felt the pain? Or have you buried it deep down somewhere you wouldn't even know it existed. Your story may be of love. But are you expressing that love? Or have you pushed that person away to "simplify" your feelings? Or have you taken that person for granted? You have a story, but you can't be always be sure whether you have savored it all, or gobbled it up in a go. 

And within these stories, there's you. The character. The protagonist. Everything is modifying you! If you compare yourself with the you yesterday - there are unnoticeable changes. But compare yourself with the you last year - there will be a noticeable difference. And that change is just a build up of everything that happens in a day. Hence, every little thing does change you. And you (if you haven't found yourself yet) are struggling to keep up with who you are and the modifications within you. If you have already found yourself, I wonder what your life purpose would be. 

I have a flood of questions. I have a flood of thoughts. Yet, I don't have an answer. Rather, I don't want an answer - all I want is to find myself.