Love is a high vibration universal feeling. A feeling that we all have towards someone, or something. But do we fully understand it? Do we practice it correctly? Are we aware of the consequences of our emotions, perceptions and expectations?
I wouldn't call myself Buddhist, but I do follow some of the teachings. I'm also a very spiritual person, and I truly believe in love - because that's all you are ever going to be satisfied with. But then my definition of love and the reality of love in our lives doesn't match. There is a discrepancy. Why? Because all I have ever learnt about love is acceptance, selflessness and compassion. But all that I see everyday is attachment, dependency, expectations, selfishness.
When was the last time you loved someone with absolute acceptance to their flaws, their quirks - everything and anything they did would never irk you? When was the last time you loved someone with absolute compassion - no matter what they did you would always be generous to them? When was the last time you loved someone so selflessly that you gave them all the freedom they wanted - be it to do a certain task, or to abandon you? I already know my answer - never. I've never loved someone enough to abandon me, I've never loved someone who I've never been mad at, I've never loved someone who I have fully accepted with their flaws and quirks... yet I am taking a step to it. After all, a journey of a million miles starts with the first step - and the first step is to acknowledge it.
When was the last time you didn't want to leave someone you truly loved - be it for work, education, travelling etc? When was the last time you felt disappointed because someone you loved did something that made you upset? When was the last time you thought your life would come crashing down if this/ these person(s) weren't in your life? When was the last time you got someone to do something for you because you loved them and they loved you? My answer to this is... always! These things happen all the time and their effect is so subtle that one can easily miss out on it.
It's true that there is always going to be a discrepancy between idealistic situations and realistic situations. However, there is always room for self-improvement. I don't expect anyone to become a Buddha over night and practice pure love, but then I know that by taking a step towards pure love - one can hope to eliminate suffering.
The ones you love the most, can potentially hurt you the most when you practice selfish love; when you have expectations that weren't fulfilled, when you are upset about a certain fault, when you are dependent upon the other person. Selfish love is not bad, it's just painful sometimes. And although pure love never hurts - it also requires a lot of conscious effort to maintain it. Love is truly eternal because it is a feeling passed on - two people can be on other sides of the world and yet share love, a person may die but your love for them never does.
I hope that one day, through constant effort I will be able to practice pure love rather than selfish love.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Being Your Own Best Friend!
Continuation of Attachment, Love and Self...
Dedicated to Monica :)
It's been a decade since I was told to be my own best friend, and it took me the longest amount of time to understand what that means. Now that I have understood it, I try to practice it... hence I know it's takes lots of time and patience. It is more like a journey than a destination. There will be frustrations, irritations, negativity, confusions and at times you will even want to run away from yourself... and yet, even one moment of success in being your own best friend is so blissful.
So, what does it mean to be your own best friend? Now, as much as I deny I've had temporary best friends and then through time and space we grew apart. I'm sure everyone has met that one person who they can relate to, feel comfortable with and yet have a lot of fun. We all have the qualities of being best friends to someone. But now, that someone is ourselves. List all the qualities you would want your best friend to have and then cultivate them in yourself. Every time you feel low, give yourself love - it's hard, but comes with practice. Every time you see something negative, show yourself the positive - just like a best friend would do. Talk to yourself, because if you can't discuss the issues troubling you to yourself... you can't talk to anyone else about it. And anyways who can understand you better than you?
I know how the society has some stigmas about "talking to yourself", but that's ok... they don't need to know about your connection to yourself. It's not at all creepy, in fact everyone does it unknowingly. Ever thought of things you can't do? - Well that's your mind telling you things about you, it may be right or it may be wrong... but it's still talking to you. However that's negative self-talk, while positive self-talk is what we all need and that's what a real best friend does. Yes, you criticize yourself but it's to help you go forward ... not to limit you. So the more positive self-talk you practice, the better best friend you are to yourself. The more objectively you see your situation, the easier it is to practice this positive self-talk. But sometimes one can't help being subjective and roll into negative self-talk... but this is where awareness and acceptance comes in.When you are aware of your self-talk you can manipulate it to be positive. And you manipulate it by accepting the negative and letting it go for good.
Another thing about being your own best friend, is listening. Sometimes we get so caught up in self-talk that we don't even think about our problems. I have come to realize that when I voice my problems and talk about it, I normally get my answers and all the other person had to do was listen to me rant. So why can't I rant to myself - without judgement, without self-talk (although I may need it after I'm done), with complete acceptance, and with love and compassion? I don't have to rant in front of the whole world, I can do it privately, I can do it on paper as well... as long as I am clearly aware of the whole situation. Often when we think of our problems, we just state the negatives and leave out the positives and the side details, but when we talk it out to our friends we have to explain the whole situation. When we look at the problem holistically things seem a lot smaller than it did when we just thought about the problem. That's why when being your own best friend, you have to treat yourself as an outsider - you must talk about everything so you gain clarity on the situation. And once you've done that, that's when self talk comes in play.
A relationship is always about give and take, hence your relationship with yourself also follows this pattern. You must give yourself every detail of the story to take advice and encouragement. And trust yourself for the best advice, if you can give them to others - you can also give them to yourself, with correct practice. :)
As for my journey, this is what I have learnt so far... and I still have a long way to go because knowing and realizing isn't the same. I know this, I yet have to practice it to realize it.
Dedicated to Monica :)
It's been a decade since I was told to be my own best friend, and it took me the longest amount of time to understand what that means. Now that I have understood it, I try to practice it... hence I know it's takes lots of time and patience. It is more like a journey than a destination. There will be frustrations, irritations, negativity, confusions and at times you will even want to run away from yourself... and yet, even one moment of success in being your own best friend is so blissful.
So, what does it mean to be your own best friend? Now, as much as I deny I've had temporary best friends and then through time and space we grew apart. I'm sure everyone has met that one person who they can relate to, feel comfortable with and yet have a lot of fun. We all have the qualities of being best friends to someone. But now, that someone is ourselves. List all the qualities you would want your best friend to have and then cultivate them in yourself. Every time you feel low, give yourself love - it's hard, but comes with practice. Every time you see something negative, show yourself the positive - just like a best friend would do. Talk to yourself, because if you can't discuss the issues troubling you to yourself... you can't talk to anyone else about it. And anyways who can understand you better than you?
I know how the society has some stigmas about "talking to yourself", but that's ok... they don't need to know about your connection to yourself. It's not at all creepy, in fact everyone does it unknowingly. Ever thought of things you can't do? - Well that's your mind telling you things about you, it may be right or it may be wrong... but it's still talking to you. However that's negative self-talk, while positive self-talk is what we all need and that's what a real best friend does. Yes, you criticize yourself but it's to help you go forward ... not to limit you. So the more positive self-talk you practice, the better best friend you are to yourself. The more objectively you see your situation, the easier it is to practice this positive self-talk. But sometimes one can't help being subjective and roll into negative self-talk... but this is where awareness and acceptance comes in.When you are aware of your self-talk you can manipulate it to be positive. And you manipulate it by accepting the negative and letting it go for good.
Another thing about being your own best friend, is listening. Sometimes we get so caught up in self-talk that we don't even think about our problems. I have come to realize that when I voice my problems and talk about it, I normally get my answers and all the other person had to do was listen to me rant. So why can't I rant to myself - without judgement, without self-talk (although I may need it after I'm done), with complete acceptance, and with love and compassion? I don't have to rant in front of the whole world, I can do it privately, I can do it on paper as well... as long as I am clearly aware of the whole situation. Often when we think of our problems, we just state the negatives and leave out the positives and the side details, but when we talk it out to our friends we have to explain the whole situation. When we look at the problem holistically things seem a lot smaller than it did when we just thought about the problem. That's why when being your own best friend, you have to treat yourself as an outsider - you must talk about everything so you gain clarity on the situation. And once you've done that, that's when self talk comes in play.
A relationship is always about give and take, hence your relationship with yourself also follows this pattern. You must give yourself every detail of the story to take advice and encouragement. And trust yourself for the best advice, if you can give them to others - you can also give them to yourself, with correct practice. :)
As for my journey, this is what I have learnt so far... and I still have a long way to go because knowing and realizing isn't the same. I know this, I yet have to practice it to realize it.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Attachment, Love, and Self...
I am a girl aged 3, I live with my mother away from my dad - it doesn't bother me now, for I am young
I am a girl aged 7, I visit my dad and realize what I've been missing - it hurts to leave him once again for I am... attached.
I am a girl aged 8, conditions are better we shift countries to settle with my father, I leave all my friends behind - it hurts to leave them and my lifestyle for I am... attached.
I am a girl aged 10, my brother moves to a boarding school - it hurts to see him go for I am... attached.
I am a girl aged 14, my brother passes away - we went through most of the changes together, it hurts to let him go forever for I am... attached.
I am a girl aged 16, I go to a boarding school, I leave my parents - they who've stuck by through thick and thin but I'm hurt for I am... attached.
I am a girl aged 18, I leave for university, I leave my parents, my school friends, my culture, my continent - all things that I was ever familiar to... I'm hurt for I am... attached.
I am a woman aged 25, I marry, I leave my family, my friends, everything I ever had, to make a new life with this man, although I'm happy... It really hurts, for I am still... attached.
I am a woman aged 45, I see my kids going away to fulfill their dreams. I am happy to see them follow their heart, but letting them go hurts for I have grown to be ... attached.
I am a woman aged 60, I see my parent's pass away, although I had left them before they were still part of my life. Not being able to see them ever again hurts... for I am attached.
I am a woman aged 70, I see my husband pass away, I will always cherish what we had but it's time to let go... Never seeing my companion again hurts for I grew to be attached.
I am a woman of 71, I see death coming, I know that whomever I may have lost or grown apart from will now be there for me. And all it is, is love... not attachment.
It is said that love doesn't cause suffering, attachment does. Often our relationships are based on attachments, sure love does exist but so does attachment. Love is not about possessing but instead it's a feeling shared. But oh, it's so hard to not be attached to your loved ones and yet love without attachment is the best kind.
In some societies independence is highly valued and in some it isn't. We can never really be completely independent because every little thing adds fuel to our existence and we can never really be completely dependent because no body can run our race for us. So how do we co-exist yet not be attached? How is it possible to love and yet let go when necessary? How is it possible to be alone and still never be alone?
I read an interesting book about how everything is interrelated and hence there is no need for attachment. When I love someone, they become part of me in one way or the other. I love my parents, they are part of me because I have been made out of them. I love my brother, he shared the same genes as well - so somewhere he is still part of me. All the friends that I make is because I connect to them on a level. That level of connection is part of me, hence they still are part of me. I love my children, they are made from me and they will always be part of me. I love my husband, he too is part of me for we connect on all levels and have created life together as well. Yet, the fear of letting go and my attachment to whom I love is so strong that it can keep me up all night.
It is said on a soul level you can connect to whom you like, whenever you like - of course not physically. But then, we too are just spiritual beings on a physical journey. And when you acknowledge and accept this it makes life a lot easier. The ability to let go of people you love comes easily for you know you can connect to them whenever you want. All you have to do is have a silent mind and talk to that person. Chances are, if you love that person and know them well, you will hear them tell you things, give you solutions to your problems... and their talks will sound just the way they do in person. When this happens you are connecting to the fragment of that soul of that person you know in this lifetime.
Attachment is also often decreased by being your own best friend. With globalization happening on a rapid rate its very common to meet a third culture kid or adult who has had various experiences through shifting cities, countries and continents that they don't have a best friend. Besides having a best friend would also require letting go. When you are your own best friend there is no letting go.
Often people despise being alone but sometimes it's the only option you have. Being your own best friend makes it easier to be alone. That discomfort disappears and there is no expectation or attachment to your loved ones - there is only love. But how can you be your own best friend?
To be continued...
Friday, June 7, 2013
The Dirty Play of Cross-roads...
Life is a strange journey and in this journey we are sometimes brought to a cross-road. Which direction do we choose? left or right? Rather, what decision do we make?
Some believe in fate and other's believe in free-will, there are also people who believe in synchronicity - that fate and free-will are intertwined and make a destiny. Does it matter what you believe in when your standing on a cross-road? Yes, the concept of free-will gives the perception of freedom and security that if you don't like the decision you have made, you can always change it. On the other hand, the concept of fate gives you a relief that whatever will happen is planned for your own benefit. And when you believe in synchronicity, you can take refuge that fate will guide you to make decisions with your own free will for your own benefit. But that's all they do, they don't make the decision for you.
Besides, you can't leave everything to fate - because then you would be doing nothing. Neither can you believe in free will a 100% because things don't always go as planned. So what do you do when you are at a cross-road, when you have to make a decision?
The mind is but a dirty play, jumping from one end to the other. Seducing you to choose one and when you decide to choose it, it lures you to the other. They say once bitten, twice shy but the mind never stops playing its games and we never stop heeding it. We get caught up in these games so much that we fail to realize how shallow they make us with worry.
It is often said listen to your heart rather than your head because often your heart already knows what you want. And your intuition already knows what's going to happen. They say there is a difference between the head and the heart's voice and when you are calm you can differentiate between them. But how do you differentiate between it when your mind is in a turmoil?
I close my eyes and say "what does my head think about ......" and then take a break and say "what does my heart say about...." and I get my answers and hopefully you shall get yours as well.
But how do we really know that's what our hearts really want? What if its the wrong decision? Well, once you've made a decision trust synchronicity, fate, destiny, free-will to make it work for you. If it's not meant to be, it won't happen. If it is, it will. If it goes well, you have a success. If it goes wrong, you have lesson.
We always learn from everything in life whether we realize it or not. And these cross-roads are blessings in disguise as little obstacles. They can only help you grow wiser. So accept that you have a choice, but also accept that you can't control everything every time.
Some believe in fate and other's believe in free-will, there are also people who believe in synchronicity - that fate and free-will are intertwined and make a destiny. Does it matter what you believe in when your standing on a cross-road? Yes, the concept of free-will gives the perception of freedom and security that if you don't like the decision you have made, you can always change it. On the other hand, the concept of fate gives you a relief that whatever will happen is planned for your own benefit. And when you believe in synchronicity, you can take refuge that fate will guide you to make decisions with your own free will for your own benefit. But that's all they do, they don't make the decision for you.
Besides, you can't leave everything to fate - because then you would be doing nothing. Neither can you believe in free will a 100% because things don't always go as planned. So what do you do when you are at a cross-road, when you have to make a decision?
The mind is but a dirty play, jumping from one end to the other. Seducing you to choose one and when you decide to choose it, it lures you to the other. They say once bitten, twice shy but the mind never stops playing its games and we never stop heeding it. We get caught up in these games so much that we fail to realize how shallow they make us with worry.
It is often said listen to your heart rather than your head because often your heart already knows what you want. And your intuition already knows what's going to happen. They say there is a difference between the head and the heart's voice and when you are calm you can differentiate between them. But how do you differentiate between it when your mind is in a turmoil?
I close my eyes and say "what does my head think about ......" and then take a break and say "what does my heart say about...." and I get my answers and hopefully you shall get yours as well.
But how do we really know that's what our hearts really want? What if its the wrong decision? Well, once you've made a decision trust synchronicity, fate, destiny, free-will to make it work for you. If it's not meant to be, it won't happen. If it is, it will. If it goes well, you have a success. If it goes wrong, you have lesson.
We always learn from everything in life whether we realize it or not. And these cross-roads are blessings in disguise as little obstacles. They can only help you grow wiser. So accept that you have a choice, but also accept that you can't control everything every time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)