Am I really in love with you?

I thought I loved you, 

But I never really did...

Because to love is not to possess

Yet I wanted to have you.

Have you for myself. 

Every second, every minute, every hour

All day, everyday... forever

But love isn't about possession...

Perhaps, I was just addicted.

In the past few days I've had a insight about romantic love, which has left me pondering about it over and over again. In an era so promiscuous do we really fall in love every-so-often, or are people - our romantic partners specifically - an addiction? Now of course, if you are committed to someone and it feels right... then this is not applicable to you. But for those of us who are single, dating, and in a complicated, unsure relationship... are you really in love? 

In the age where everyone is so busy making a career and a living, we often get lonely at times. With no one to turn to on those "bad days". No one who would care to hear how the day went. No one to lend a shoulder and an ear. And when the going gets tough, we often look for support - could be emotional, spiritual,  or even physical... depends on the void we feel. And when these abysses grow we find ways to fill them - some do it with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, while some fill it with people. However, there are people who do it all to fill their void. Some feel extremely empty while others feel mildly empty. What you choose to fill your void depends on your values and the degree of your feelings. 

Romantic relationships in the current generation are a common occurrence. From preteens to young adults, and beyond, it's not rare to find people in short-term relationships. Why is it that we invest so much time and energy to date or be in a relationship with someone who we know we won't last with? And if you thought you'd last... wouldn't you work it out instead of falling out of love? In fact, often girls and guys have quite the attachment drama after break ups. Or as I would say - the withdrawal symptoms. 

Waiting around for that phone to beep, or that instant message to pop, or may be even for that person to sign in - is that a sign of being in love or an addiction? Talking to that person everyday, every hour, every minute, and getting to know them and sharing details of your day with them... Is that falling in love or an addiction? 

If that is called being in love, does that mean that I will fall in love with every person I talk to everyday, every hour, every minute? There's no doubt that if I talk to that person, I must like him/her. I wouldn't talk to someone I don't like. Knowing things about this person, sure makes him/her familiar... and familiarity brings comfort. With the sense of comfort, trust, and likability... I am sure to love this person - but then would I fall in love?

When I look back in time, at my romantic relationships - sure I love the other person involved, and probably always will... but the question is... was I in love? Even if I was, would I fall again? Probably not. And if I can't fall again, I probably didn't fall the first time either. My previous partners were the outlet of my problems, just like I was theirs. In this fast paced life, we were in sync because we both needed someone. And building on that, we had a relationship - of course I hadn't acknowledged that it was but an addiction. An addiction to an outlet.

But that's my experience... it may not hold true for you. I won't get into how love should be, because that is your decision for yourself as an individual. But do reflect on your relationship and share your insights... because just like you, I want answers too :) 

Attachment, Love, and Self...

I am a girl aged 3, I live with my mother away from my dad - it doesn't bother me now, for I am young

I am a girl aged 7, I visit my dad and realize what I've been missing - it hurts to leave him once again for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 8, conditions are better we shift countries to settle with my father, I leave all my friends behind - it hurts to leave them and my lifestyle for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 10, my brother moves to a boarding school - it hurts to see him go for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 14, my brother passes away - we went through most of the changes together, it hurts to let him go forever for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 16, I go to a boarding school, I leave my parents - they who've stuck by through thick and thin but I'm hurt for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 18, I leave for university, I leave my parents, my school friends, my culture, my continent - all things that I was ever familiar to... I'm hurt for I am... attached. 

I am a woman aged 25, I marry, I leave my family, my friends, everything I ever had, to make a new life with this man, although I'm happy... It really hurts, for I am still... attached.

I am a woman aged 45, I see my kids going away to fulfill their dreams. I am happy to see them follow their heart, but letting them go hurts for I have grown to be ... attached.

I am a woman aged 60, I see my parent's pass away, although I had left them before they were still part of my life. Not being able to see them ever again hurts... for I am attached. 

I am a woman aged 70, I see my husband pass away, I will always cherish what we had but it's time to let go... Never seeing my companion again hurts for I grew to be attached.

I am a woman of 71, I see death coming, I know that whomever I may have lost or grown apart from will now be there for me. And all it is, is love... not attachment. 

It is said that love doesn't cause suffering, attachment does. Often our relationships are based on attachments, sure love does exist but so does attachment. Love is not about possessing but instead it's a feeling shared. But oh, it's so hard to not be attached to your loved ones and yet love without attachment is the best kind. 

In some societies independence is highly valued and in some it isn't. We can never really be completely independent because every little thing adds fuel to our existence and we can never really be completely dependent because no body can run our race for us. So how do we co-exist yet not be attached? How is it possible to love and yet let go when necessary? How is it possible to be alone and still never be alone?

I read an interesting book about how everything is interrelated and hence there is no need for attachment. When I love someone, they become part of me in one way or the other. I love my parents, they are part of me because I have been made out of them. I love my brother, he shared the same genes as well - so somewhere he is still part of me. All the friends that I make is because I connect to them on a level. That level of connection is part of me, hence they still are part of me. I love my children, they are made from me and they will always be part of me. I love my husband, he too is part of me for we connect on all levels and have created life together as well. Yet, the fear of letting go and my attachment to whom I love is so strong that it can keep me up all night. 

It is said on a soul level you can connect to whom you like, whenever you like - of course not physically. But then, we too are just spiritual beings on a physical journey. And when you acknowledge and accept this it makes life a lot easier. The ability to let go of people you love comes easily for you know you can connect to them whenever you want. All you have to do is have a silent mind and talk to that person. Chances are, if you love that person and know them well, you will hear them tell you things, give you solutions to your problems... and their talks will sound just the way they do in person. When this happens you are connecting to the fragment of that soul of that person you know in this lifetime. 

Attachment is also often decreased by being your own best friend. With globalization happening on a rapid rate its very common to meet a third culture kid or adult who has had various experiences through shifting cities, countries and continents that they don't have a best friend. Besides having a best friend would also require letting go. When you are your own best friend there is no letting go. 

Often people despise being alone but sometimes it's the only option you have. Being your own best friend makes it easier to be alone. That discomfort disappears and there is no expectation or attachment to your loved ones - there is only love. But how can you be your own best friend?

To be continued...