Divine compassion

I knew who you were when I looked at you, 

you were that divine 

that precious

that compassion

that love

that resides within

I wish you were all that to yourself.

More than others, to yourself.

Because everything with out, is within.

And everything within is with out.

Respect yourself and you respect the world.

Often compassion and generosity is promoted and rewarded in societies, but are we really all that compassionate or generous? How often do you let someone get away with something that you would never allow yourself to? Are you ever as generous and compassionate to yourself like you are to a stranger? Often there are limits to how benevolent one can be, but these limits are always tested. For strangers it's more lenient than family, for family its more lenient than self. But the limits are always there, be it for yourself or others.  

Now, I know there are people who play nasty. These are usually the ones most compassionate to themselves. Because they are able to be compassionate towards their behavior. But in our society, we call that being selfish. Is it really? I don't promote playing nasty, but I support the win-win situation. 

Ethics are something we can argue about all day and yet fail to reach a conclusion, but we do know that humans act on motives. There is always an intention behind an action. Intentions just like actions may not always be pure... and normally they carry weight with them. If your intentions are not pure towards others, can they be pure towards yourself? And if your intentions are pure towards others, are you sure you are part of the pure intentions? Are you sure that you don't leave yourself out when you think of others? And can you be sure that you think of others when you think of yourself?

Across cultures, the priority from oneself to another varies, and hence the discrepancies of compassion. Being Asian, I may think of others before me. But having lived in the West, I may even forget that others exist. And despite that, there is one person I am being compassionate to - whether that's me, or whether it's someone else. But that's not enough, because there is no balance. If  I keep everyone else before me, they will drain out my resources and I will be left with nothing to give. If I am just compassionate to myself and no one else, I will be alone and possibly lonely - for my resources may be abundant but I will have no one to share them with.

I have come to learn that moderation is the key. Give, give all that you have... but learn to give yourself some too. In a day, if I do something for myself, something that makes me come alive, I've noticed that I can give more than what I could before. But if I am not compassionate to myself, no one will be. I will be giving, giving and giving... with nothing to give anymore. But if I'm not compassionate to others, I will not have the satisfaction of giving. Instead, I will be so lenient to myself that there will be no discipline; and with an abundance of my resources... I would waste them if they weren't shared.

Each one of us has a story, one that requires compassion for all the hardships we've seen. No hardship is big or small, it is the impact they create that signifies the damage. At this point, what can help heal more than love and compassion? For without loving compassion, we are lost. Without it, we fear, we grow anxious and all we need is a helping hand. It doesn't matter where the compassion to heal you comes from, whether yourself or others. Just know, that you are always going to be there with yourself and it's easier to rely on yourself for compassion than others.

So the next time you engage in negative self-talk, or in-compassion for yourself. Be mindful, change that voice! Make it compassionate, be nice to yourself. If you aren't, no one will be. And if you make yourself happy in a day, you can definitely be contagious! :)

Flame on the wick named Desire

Every time I desire something 

It fuels the fire within.

I aim to achieve my goals...

And beyond them... I see nothing. 

There is a limit though. 

I'm focused but not obsessed

I merely burn like fire on a candle 

rather than a house on fire.  

I am cherished because I lighten more than just my life

rather than destroying more than mine

I want to be something,

rather, I am encouraged to be, to achieve

I am nothing, but a flame on the wick named desire. 

In my last post I wrote about forbidden desires, today I write about the brighter side of desires. Each time you desire something, that you know is good for you, the universe conspires to help you achieve it - that is if you send the correct signals. Having said that, what desires are really worth it? 

The first thing I think of when I read my own poem is... a career, however that is not the picture I wish for, though it is a trending image. One must always be careful of what one desires. I say that because the fulfillment of desires is no way linked with happiness. In fact, quite the contrary - the less you desire, the satisfied you are. But it's also true that if you desire wisely, you are benefited. If Buddha hadn't desired to be enlightened, he probably wouldn't have. However had Hitler not desired to be fascist, he wouldn't have died that horribly. Of course, the effects on the world would be extremely different, but that's an external issue. Your desires shape you. Your desires have consequences that you deal with, and sometimes others deal with it as well. Desires are powerful.

Actually, you are powerful because these desires arisen and are fulfilled through you. What you wish for all day long, may actually come true - but when you wish, you neglect the consequences. If you desire to be a millionaire, you may become one... however at the cost of your happiness or something else for that matter. That is why in the olden days they used to say, "be careful what you wish for". 

So next time when you desire something, be mindful of the consequences. Are you willing to face circumstances that arise from the fulfillment of your desires? And if you are, is your wish really worth it? 

What makes a wish worth it? 

Forget about society, forget about that dream job, forget about everything you hold dear... and think. What would you love to have in your life that cannot be measured monetarily? What is that thing you want to do before you die? With the assumption that you've forgotten everything and are about to die - what is it that you want? Nothing matters anymore. Having said that, it all boils down to doing what you love. If you love what you do today, your signals are prominent and crystal clear. There is no higher frequency than love. So love what you desire, and desire what you love. 

Am I really in love with you?

I thought I loved you, 

But I never really did...

Because to love is not to possess

Yet I wanted to have you.

Have you for myself. 

Every second, every minute, every hour

All day, everyday... forever

But love isn't about possession...

Perhaps, I was just addicted.

In the past few days I've had a insight about romantic love, which has left me pondering about it over and over again. In an era so promiscuous do we really fall in love every-so-often, or are people - our romantic partners specifically - an addiction? Now of course, if you are committed to someone and it feels right... then this is not applicable to you. But for those of us who are single, dating, and in a complicated, unsure relationship... are you really in love? 

In the age where everyone is so busy making a career and a living, we often get lonely at times. With no one to turn to on those "bad days". No one who would care to hear how the day went. No one to lend a shoulder and an ear. And when the going gets tough, we often look for support - could be emotional, spiritual,  or even physical... depends on the void we feel. And when these abysses grow we find ways to fill them - some do it with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes, while some fill it with people. However, there are people who do it all to fill their void. Some feel extremely empty while others feel mildly empty. What you choose to fill your void depends on your values and the degree of your feelings. 

Romantic relationships in the current generation are a common occurrence. From preteens to young adults, and beyond, it's not rare to find people in short-term relationships. Why is it that we invest so much time and energy to date or be in a relationship with someone who we know we won't last with? And if you thought you'd last... wouldn't you work it out instead of falling out of love? In fact, often girls and guys have quite the attachment drama after break ups. Or as I would say - the withdrawal symptoms. 

Waiting around for that phone to beep, or that instant message to pop, or may be even for that person to sign in - is that a sign of being in love or an addiction? Talking to that person everyday, every hour, every minute, and getting to know them and sharing details of your day with them... Is that falling in love or an addiction? 

If that is called being in love, does that mean that I will fall in love with every person I talk to everyday, every hour, every minute? There's no doubt that if I talk to that person, I must like him/her. I wouldn't talk to someone I don't like. Knowing things about this person, sure makes him/her familiar... and familiarity brings comfort. With the sense of comfort, trust, and likability... I am sure to love this person - but then would I fall in love?

When I look back in time, at my romantic relationships - sure I love the other person involved, and probably always will... but the question is... was I in love? Even if I was, would I fall again? Probably not. And if I can't fall again, I probably didn't fall the first time either. My previous partners were the outlet of my problems, just like I was theirs. In this fast paced life, we were in sync because we both needed someone. And building on that, we had a relationship - of course I hadn't acknowledged that it was but an addiction. An addiction to an outlet.

But that's my experience... it may not hold true for you. I won't get into how love should be, because that is your decision for yourself as an individual. But do reflect on your relationship and share your insights... because just like you, I want answers too :) 

The ones you love the most, can potentially hurt you the most...

Love is a high vibration universal feeling. A feeling that we all have towards someone, or something. But do we fully understand it? Do we practice it correctly? Are we aware of the consequences of our emotions, perceptions and expectations?

I wouldn't call myself Buddhist, but I do follow some of the teachings. I'm also a very spiritual person, and I truly believe in love - because that's all you are ever going to be satisfied with. But then my definition of love and the reality of love in our lives doesn't match. There is a discrepancy. Why? Because all I have ever learnt about love is acceptance, selflessness and compassion. But all that I see everyday is attachment, dependency, expectations, selfishness.

When was the last time you loved someone with absolute acceptance to their flaws, their quirks - everything and anything they did would never irk you? When was the last time you loved someone with absolute compassion - no matter what they did you would always be generous to them? When was the last time you loved someone so selflessly that you gave them all the freedom they wanted - be it to do a certain task, or to abandon you? I already know my answer - never. I've never loved someone enough to abandon me, I've never loved someone who I've never been mad at, I've never loved someone who I have fully accepted with their flaws and quirks... yet I am taking a step to it. After all, a journey of a million miles starts with the first step - and the first step is to acknowledge it.

When was the last time you didn't want to leave someone you truly loved - be it for work, education, travelling etc? When was the last time you felt disappointed because someone you loved did something that made you upset? When was the last time you thought your life would come crashing down if this/ these person(s) weren't in your life? When was the last time you got someone to do something for you because you loved them and they loved you? My answer to this is... always! These things happen all the time and their effect is so subtle that one can easily miss out on it.

It's true that there is always going to be a discrepancy between idealistic situations and realistic situations. However, there is always room for self-improvement. I don't expect anyone to become a Buddha over night and practice pure love, but then I know that by taking a step towards pure love - one can hope to eliminate suffering.

The ones you love the most, can potentially hurt you the most when you practice selfish love; when you have expectations that weren't fulfilled, when you are upset about a certain fault, when you are dependent upon the other person. Selfish love is not bad, it's just painful sometimes. And although pure love never hurts - it also requires a lot of conscious effort to maintain it. Love is truly eternal because it is a feeling passed on - two people can be on other sides of the world and yet share love, a person may die but your love for them never does.

I hope that one day, through constant effort I will be able to practice pure love rather than selfish love.

Being Your Own Best Friend!

Continuation of Attachment, Love and Self... 
Dedicated to Monica :) 

It's been a decade since I was told to be my own best friend, and it took me the longest amount of time to understand what that means. Now that I have understood it, I try to practice it... hence I know it's takes lots of time and patience. It is more like a journey than a destination. There will be frustrations, irritations, negativity, confusions and at times you will even want to run away from yourself... and yet, even one moment of success in being your own best friend is so blissful.

So, what does it mean to be your own best friend? Now, as much as I deny I've had temporary best friends and then through time and space we grew apart. I'm sure everyone has met that one person who they can relate to, feel comfortable with and yet have a lot of fun. We all have the qualities of being best friends to someone. But now, that someone is ourselves. List all the qualities you would want your best friend to have and then cultivate them in yourself. Every time you feel low, give yourself love - it's hard, but comes with practice. Every time you see something negative, show yourself the positive - just like a best friend would do. Talk to yourself, because if you can't discuss the issues troubling you to yourself... you can't talk to anyone else about it. And anyways who can understand you better than you?

I know how the society has some stigmas about "talking to yourself", but that's ok... they don't need to know about your connection to yourself. It's not at all creepy, in fact everyone does it unknowingly. Ever thought of things you can't do? - Well that's your mind telling you things about you, it may be right or it may be wrong... but it's still talking to you. However that's negative self-talk, while positive self-talk is what we all need and that's what a real best friend does. Yes, you criticize yourself but it's to help you go forward ... not to limit you. So the more positive self-talk you practice, the better best friend you are to yourself. The more objectively you see your situation, the easier it is to practice this positive self-talk. But sometimes one can't help being subjective and roll into negative self-talk... but this is where awareness and acceptance comes in.When you are aware of your self-talk you can manipulate it to be positive. And you manipulate it by accepting the negative and letting it go for good.

Another thing about being your own best friend, is listening. Sometimes we get so caught up in self-talk that we don't even think about our problems. I have come to realize that when I voice my problems and talk about it, I normally get my answers and all the other person had to do was listen to me rant. So why can't I rant to myself - without judgement, without self-talk (although I may need it after I'm done), with complete acceptance, and with love and compassion? I don't have to rant in front of the whole world, I can do it privately, I can do it on paper as well... as long as I am clearly aware of the whole situation. Often when we think of our problems, we just state the negatives and leave out the positives and the side details, but when we talk it out to our friends we have to explain the whole situation. When we look at the problem holistically things seem a lot smaller than it did when we just thought about the problem. That's why when being your own best friend, you have to treat yourself as an outsider - you must talk about everything so you gain clarity on the situation. And once you've done that, that's when self talk comes in play.

A relationship is always about give and take, hence your relationship with yourself also follows this pattern. You must give yourself every detail of the story to take advice and encouragement. And trust yourself for the best advice, if you can give them to others - you can also give them to yourself, with correct practice. :)

As for my journey, this is what I have learnt so far... and I still have a long way to go because knowing and realizing isn't the same. I know this, I yet have to practice it to realize it.

Attachment, Love, and Self...

I am a girl aged 3, I live with my mother away from my dad - it doesn't bother me now, for I am young

I am a girl aged 7, I visit my dad and realize what I've been missing - it hurts to leave him once again for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 8, conditions are better we shift countries to settle with my father, I leave all my friends behind - it hurts to leave them and my lifestyle for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 10, my brother moves to a boarding school - it hurts to see him go for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 14, my brother passes away - we went through most of the changes together, it hurts to let him go forever for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 16, I go to a boarding school, I leave my parents - they who've stuck by through thick and thin but I'm hurt for I am... attached.

I am a girl aged 18, I leave for university, I leave my parents, my school friends, my culture, my continent - all things that I was ever familiar to... I'm hurt for I am... attached. 

I am a woman aged 25, I marry, I leave my family, my friends, everything I ever had, to make a new life with this man, although I'm happy... It really hurts, for I am still... attached.

I am a woman aged 45, I see my kids going away to fulfill their dreams. I am happy to see them follow their heart, but letting them go hurts for I have grown to be ... attached.

I am a woman aged 60, I see my parent's pass away, although I had left them before they were still part of my life. Not being able to see them ever again hurts... for I am attached. 

I am a woman aged 70, I see my husband pass away, I will always cherish what we had but it's time to let go... Never seeing my companion again hurts for I grew to be attached.

I am a woman of 71, I see death coming, I know that whomever I may have lost or grown apart from will now be there for me. And all it is, is love... not attachment. 

It is said that love doesn't cause suffering, attachment does. Often our relationships are based on attachments, sure love does exist but so does attachment. Love is not about possessing but instead it's a feeling shared. But oh, it's so hard to not be attached to your loved ones and yet love without attachment is the best kind. 

In some societies independence is highly valued and in some it isn't. We can never really be completely independent because every little thing adds fuel to our existence and we can never really be completely dependent because no body can run our race for us. So how do we co-exist yet not be attached? How is it possible to love and yet let go when necessary? How is it possible to be alone and still never be alone?

I read an interesting book about how everything is interrelated and hence there is no need for attachment. When I love someone, they become part of me in one way or the other. I love my parents, they are part of me because I have been made out of them. I love my brother, he shared the same genes as well - so somewhere he is still part of me. All the friends that I make is because I connect to them on a level. That level of connection is part of me, hence they still are part of me. I love my children, they are made from me and they will always be part of me. I love my husband, he too is part of me for we connect on all levels and have created life together as well. Yet, the fear of letting go and my attachment to whom I love is so strong that it can keep me up all night. 

It is said on a soul level you can connect to whom you like, whenever you like - of course not physically. But then, we too are just spiritual beings on a physical journey. And when you acknowledge and accept this it makes life a lot easier. The ability to let go of people you love comes easily for you know you can connect to them whenever you want. All you have to do is have a silent mind and talk to that person. Chances are, if you love that person and know them well, you will hear them tell you things, give you solutions to your problems... and their talks will sound just the way they do in person. When this happens you are connecting to the fragment of that soul of that person you know in this lifetime. 

Attachment is also often decreased by being your own best friend. With globalization happening on a rapid rate its very common to meet a third culture kid or adult who has had various experiences through shifting cities, countries and continents that they don't have a best friend. Besides having a best friend would also require letting go. When you are your own best friend there is no letting go. 

Often people despise being alone but sometimes it's the only option you have. Being your own best friend makes it easier to be alone. That discomfort disappears and there is no expectation or attachment to your loved ones - there is only love. But how can you be your own best friend?

To be continued...